Beneath The Trap Door: The Care and Feeding of Writers

Congratulations! You have a writer!

Follow these simple instructions to get the most enjoyment out of this recent addition to your family.

Housing: Keep your writer warm and dry. Change its bedding often as writers tend to slough off dreams of fame the older they get.

Food: Make sure your writer has plenty to eat, as well as a daily multivitamin. If left to its own devices, it may try to consist on nothing but coffee and Pop Tarts. If your writer becomes jittery, assume it's doing this secretively and correct its behavior with a rolled-up newspaper or the promise of a writers' conference.

Exercise: Make sure to take your writer on daily walks. It may grumble about this, but assure your writer it's for the best. Bring along treats to entice it, and don't forget a few plastic bags to pick up any unnecessary adverbs it leaves behind.

Obedience: Make sure to use strong, firm commands with your writer. It may bristle if you use five words when only one will do. Again, if your writer remains obstinate after repeated commands, a rolled-up newspaper is appropriate. Make sure to give lots of praise when your writer receives an acceptance or takes a shower, as both are cause for celebration.