Here's a handy list of things to watch for.
1. Your Hand of Glory gives you the finger.
2. The face of Jon Lovitz appears in the flames of your fireplace.
3. Your new neighbors, George and Kathy Lutz, stare at you from their porch, shaking their heads with pity.
4. Every time you let out your dog, you remember that you don't have a dog. Yet you still end up picking big piles of poop up off your lawn. And this isn't Chihuahua poop, either. More like from a St. Bernard who sorely lacks an appropriate amount of fiber.
5. While you are having sex, your cat hisses and attacks your balls.
6. The moles on your back spell GET OUT. (Or maybe BE COOL? You know how hard it is to read the moles on your back in a mirror?)
7. The food in your fridge is moldy. I mean really moldy. Like the kind of mold H.P. Lovecraft writes about. And it's only been in there like - what? How long? Okay, never mind.
8. Your spouse develops stigmata. It tastes surprisingly like sriracha sauce.
9. Your house was built on the grounds of a former insane asylum, which was built over a pet cemetery located over an ancient burial ground...and you accidentally urinated on it while cursing God.
10. You reflect on the last ten years of your life and realize time was swallowed by an apparition. All you have to show for it are more wrinkles, belly fat, and a saggy set of cat-scratched balls.
I hope this helps you figure out if your house is truly haunted. If you can think of any more ways to tell if your house is haunted, let me know in the comments below!
Also, if you're looking for a great haunted house read, you can't do much better than Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House: