10 Ways To Know Your House is Haunted

With all of the haunted houses movies, books and video games available, have you ever wondered if your house is haunted?

Here's a handy list of things to watch for.

1. Your Hand of Glory gives you the finger.

2. The face of Jon Lovitz appears in the flames of your fireplace.

Acting!

3. Your new neighbors, George and Kathy Lutz, stare at you from their porch, shaking their heads with pity.

4. Every time you let out your dog, you remember that you don't have a dog. Yet you still end up picking big piles of poop up off your lawn. And this isn't Chihuahua poop, either. More like from a St. Bernard who sorely lacks an appropriate amount of fiber.



5. While you are having sex, your cat hisses and attacks your balls.

6. The moles on your back spell GET OUT. (Or maybe BE COOL? You know how hard it is to read the moles on your back in a mirror?)


7. The food in your fridge is moldy. I mean really moldy. Like the kind of mold H.P. Lovecraft writes about. And it's only been in there like - what? How long? Okay, never mind.


8. Your spouse develops stigmata. It tastes surprisingly like sriracha sauce.

9. Your house was built on the grounds of a former insane asylum, which was built over a pet cemetery located over an ancient burial ground...and you accidentally urinated on it while cursing God.

10. You reflect on the last ten years of your life and realize time was swallowed by an apparition. All you have to show for it are more wrinkles, belly fat, and a saggy set of cat-scratched balls.

I hope this helps you figure out if your house is truly haunted. If you can think of any more ways to tell if your house is haunted, let me know in the comments below!

Also, if you're looking for a great haunted house read, you can't do much better than Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House:

Poopy Soup - or - Zach Tells a Joke!

My son, Zach, as you may or may not know, has autism. He's eleven and a good kid. Well...99% of the time, anyway - though when he has a tantrum watch out! Screaming, hitting, breaking things. But like I said, the other 99% of the time he's great.

Last night he made a joke. One of his first, if not the first.

Laughter is an important part of our family; we all like to make each other laugh. Although Zach may not get all the bad puns that fly around our house (or possibly, he ignores them out of politeness) he loves humor. Slapstick, especially. Tickling is good, too.

We had grilled burgers and baked beans for supper last night. The sauce of the beans was darker than usual. It was a mesquite flavor, and instead of the typical navy beans, black beans were used. When Melissa dished it up, Zach looked at it, pointed, and asked, "Is that poopy soup?" Then he laughed.

We all laughed.

Last night he officially joined our ranks of low-brow humor. I'm guessing next come the dick jokes. We'll gladly take them. It's progress. We'll take all we can get.

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