10 Ways To Know Your House is Haunted

With all of the haunted houses movies, books and video games available, have you ever wondered if your house is haunted?

Here's a handy list of things to watch for.

1. Your Hand of Glory gives you the finger.

2. The face of Jon Lovitz appears in the flames of your fireplace.

Acting!

3. Your new neighbors, George and Kathy Lutz, stare at you from their porch, shaking their heads with pity.

4. Every time you let out your dog, you remember that you don't have a dog. Yet you still end up picking big piles of poop up off your lawn. And this isn't Chihuahua poop, either. More like from a St. Bernard who sorely lacks an appropriate amount of fiber.



5. While you are having sex, your cat hisses and attacks your balls.

6. The moles on your back spell GET OUT. (Or maybe BE COOL? You know how hard it is to read the moles on your back in a mirror?)


7. The food in your fridge is moldy. I mean really moldy. Like the kind of mold H.P. Lovecraft writes about. And it's only been in there like - what? How long? Okay, never mind.


8. Your spouse develops stigmata. It tastes surprisingly like sriracha sauce.

9. Your house was built on the grounds of a former insane asylum, which was built over a pet cemetery located over an ancient burial ground...and you accidentally urinated on it while cursing God.

10. You reflect on the last ten years of your life and realize time was swallowed by an apparition. All you have to show for it are more wrinkles, belly fat, and a saggy set of cat-scratched balls.

I hope this helps you figure out if your house is truly haunted. If you can think of any more ways to tell if your house is haunted, let me know in the comments below!

Also, if you're looking for a great haunted house read, you can't do much better than Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House:

Bathroom Decorating Tips for Halloween, 2016

I was looking at Amazon for some Halloween decorating ideas, when I noticed a dazzling number of things meant for the bathroom. This intrigued me, so I put together a short guide of suggestions for decorating your bathroom. this October. The theme?

Halloween - or - Scaring the Crap Out of Your Friends & Family

...Literally!

First, let them know where to go with this universal bathroom sign:



Welcome them into your domain of charnel odors with this motion activated skull. Its eyes glow and it makes sounds. Not sure what sounds, but hopefully it encourages a healthy bowel movement.

A beautiful resin skull is a great place to dump your stale, rotting potpourri.

















Get your guests to take care of their business quickly by making them think twice about dawdling. Affix a bloody handprint or two to your bathroom mirror.




To get their bladders revved up, attach some of these Halloween street signs to the bathroom wall to remind them why they should never split up...even when going to the bathroom.




Don't forget to supply them with plenty of toilet paper!



And if they need a helping hand for wiping those hard to reach places, show them that you've thought of everything!




And of course everyone likes some reading material to help pass things along. You can never go wrong with the writings of a hardened ex-con for some bathroom reading pleasure.



I hope you enjoyed my Halloween Bathroom Decorating tips for this year. Join me next time when I give you advice on decorating the nursery.

Classic White Sheet - A Halloween Story. New Release!

When I was a kid, I often took the simple route of dressing as a ghost for Halloween. White sheet with mouth and eye holes cut out, and voila - you're done. I wrote a story about three childhood friends who spend a Halloween all dressed as ghosts; although one of them may no longer be what he seems.

If you'd like to get in the Halloween spirit, I hope you'll check it out!

Available for the Kindle, Nook, and other devices (via Smashwords).

A description:

"12-year old Connor and his friends, Pavel and Gabe, decide to make this Halloween all about the candy. They map out the most efficient route through their neighborhood, carry large pillowcases for their stash, and agree to dress up in the simplicity of the classic white sheet; they are going as ghosts.

Things, however, don’t turn out as simple as they plan. First, Pavel’s little sister, Anna, has to join them. Second, they run into a pair of neighborhood bullies who want to take all of their hard won loot. And third, something seems a little off with one of the friends. Their costumes, though simple, are capable of hiding things best left unseen. 

Please join award-winning author Joel Arnold in this Halloween short story of friendship, loyalty and desperate souls yearning for happiness on one of the most joyously frightening nights of the year."